October 12, 2010

Spanking a vanilla: email from reader

Pink's got mail!

The observant among you may have noticed the new "email me" button on the right sidebar, an idea I borrowed from Celine's blog. My reaction to receiving several readers' emails proved that I haven't changed much since my days at camp -- mail is met with much excitement and a fair amount of jumping up and down. (All while keeping my cool, of course.) So, keep those questions and comments coming!

My first question comes from a charming man named Joey (name changed to protect the debauched), who has given me permission to respond in a blog post.

Joey writes:

Same old burning question: Can a spanko and vanilla make it work, or are you always left wanting more?

After speaking with a fair number of spanko men married to vanilla women, and myself once married to an essentially vanilla-turned-pseudo-spanko (the physical act of spanking was there, but the psychological component was lacking), the short answer to this is, "You can make it work; but yes, you will always want more."

Spanking is not just about sex -- in fact for a lot of spankos it's not about sex at all, but rather the power play. Even if you can convince your partner that the pain can be pleasurable (physiologically speaking this is true due to an increased blood flow in the loins area), the essential desire for a spanking will never quite be there.

Spankos understand the psychological dynamic between the top and bottom -- they yearn for it. The air between spanko partners positively sizzles with promise during even the most mundane tasks: a knowing look; a strategically placed, bratty tongue in public; a subtle pat to the bottom while standing in line.

All of these nuances are lost on a vanilla. It's impossible to have this kind of interaction without the vanilla faking it -- and even that will grow old after awhile.

Having said this, you chose your partner for other reasons and you likely knew that spanking wasn't in the future. Hold onto those other reasons, remain as loyal as you can to that person you love. And remember, even two spankos who have found each other are not guaranteed a happily ever after. There is much more that passes between a couple than the sexual dynamic behind closed doors, and much stronger glue that binds people together.

Also, don't forget to participate in our community. You are not alone. We all derive much pleasure from watching a naughty bottom get spanked on the internet or from sharing our thoughts on blogs. And when we stop typing, we use our fingers for other nefarious purposes...

I encourage more great questions from readers. Please be sure to tell me whether I can post responses here or if you'd prefer a private emailed response.

Note to readers: Duct tape can only hold a computer together for so long. Mine is finally being fixed by a real professional and I will be offline for a few days. I pinky promise to respond to comments upon my return.


  1. Just to fill in some detail on this situation and respond to your suggestions. I may have misread her spankoiness, which seemed there right from the start. Alot of talk and veiled threats about spanking, pictures sent, I even spanked her on the first date before sex. She would act like a brat, and I would take that cue to turn her over my knee. However, she never wanted to be spanked very long and would fight hard. So hard in fact that we both started getting injured (strains and sprains) each time, so I've given up spanking her. As you know, spanking is a BIG part of the relationship for a spanko, and one I do not want to do without. I also do not want to spank someone who does not enjoy it, so I guess I'm not a sadist. I appreciate your attempt to show me how to turn her on to spanking, but I really can't see it working. Realistically, I don't think a spanko/vanilla relationship can ever really work...not on the level we need.


  2. Joey, if your wife/partner showed interest in spanking at the outset of your relationship, she is probably still at least a mild spanko. But it sounds like you need to improve your technique and her receptiveness. Here's what I would try: set up a time to talk to her, for a serious chat. Tell her you want her to wear a skirt when you have the meeting. Have her sit on a stool preferably, while you start by very gently scolding her, about her behaviour and disobedience. Slowly drop words like disobedient, not "minding" her husband, etc. Watch for what resonates with her and repeat it. Glare at her strictly but lovingly. Ask her if she has any questions, and listen to her intensely, but don't defend yourself or get into a lot of details. Tell her that from now on, when you have conversations like this, you are going to ask her to place herself over your knee. Then have her come over and place herself like that and lift her skirt. Calm her and pull her panties down and place your hand on her bottom. Then leave your hand there and resume the chat. How does she feel about the relationship? Etc. Do not spank her that night, but have her stay there in that position for at least 20 mins or longer. And make it clear that you are now in charge and that you being in charge gives her an opportunity to relax, to trust and regain more spark. When you lift her up, pull her close, look her in the eye, lift her chin with your finger, and tell her, that the next time, you will have to discipline her if you feel she is not minding you. And say understand? Hold her until she says yes, sir, I understand - let her say it quietly and meekly. The next time, spank her gently, over her panties only, for a long time. Very gently, so gently that she is bored but turned on and wishes it harder. Tell her you can't give it to her harder until she proves her ability to sit still. Each time, make sure that the position is held for at least 20 minutes. When she is able to be still for that period, you can slowly ramp up the intensity of the spanks. It may take you 3 to 6 months to achieve a proper hand spanking. But isn't she worth the patience? Remind her always that you love her, that you will listen to her, that you will protect her, and that you have her dreams close to your heart. Give up this sadism thing, few of us spanko women are looking for that, even those of us who like it hard. We all want love and leadership.

  3. Joey, I believe Pink is right in her advice.

    The anonymous poster makes it sound like your technique and attitude can choreograph desire. IMHO, that's BS.

    I suggest being your 'spanko' self and when you get a natural response in return, you've found a potential mate.

  4. Thanks for your suggestions anonymous, they were quite insightful as to what a spanko bottom wants/needs. However, my girl is no spanko, I realize that now. It would not even be possible to get her to participate in your suggested scenerio. I used to think that every woman, on some level, wanted to be spanked. That it was an innate part of their being, but I guess that's just the way my spanko brain interprets the female animal. So, thanks, but I have to go with commands suggestion and just be myself and look for a natural response. I actually thought I had done that with her, but it's almost as if she went along with it at first, just to get the relationship. And then, when we're living together, things change. So I guess the answer is to be on the same page right from the start, by dating through spanking websites. Thank God for the internet!


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