Pushing it

When did my transition from "spanko" to "submissive" occur?

My cravings for a simple spanking have turned into a full-blown desire to be dominated. I've never doubted my true spanko-hood; I think you'd be hard-pressed to find a girl more into spanking than I.

But submission? When exactly did that happen?

I began playing with the idea last September with a Dom who proved to be more cyber than real. He whet my appetite, introduced me to a few concepts that were uncomfortable at first -- the use of "Sir" topping the list, followed quickly by the ritual of collaring.

When that ended, I returned to simple spankings for a bit in November, meeting someone local who gradually became a friend I'd meet for 2 am coffees and chats.

I realized I wanted more than some over-the-knee action, more than a scene that began with the lowering of my pants and ended in re-buttoning. I wanted what I had briefly tasted with the CyberDom: submission was the new flavor of choice. So my search on Spankfinder, Spankolife, and Collarme was back with a fervor.

A few more meets with some genuinely great people from Spankfinder, and around the time I started this blog, I found him -- my Dom. He's the one who not only understood what I was searching for, but also had the capabilities, experience, and desire to push me forward. Our brand of D/s is unique to us, incorporating most of the fundamentals found in a typical arrangement, but with additional boundaries and parameters.

He is my Dom, not my Master; I am his submissive, not his slave. I retain my independence and decision-making powers, being quite capable of identifying my own needs; but when we are together, I am decidedly his submissive. He pushes me. When I say that I can't take any more, he gives me more still, just enough to step beyond my comfort zone.

He is the first man to truly discipline me, to set some basic rules for me, and to take the interest in holding me accountable to my goals. When he identifies behavior that is harmful to me or to us, he intervenes with my consent. And in return, I allow him the freedom of expressing his naturally dominant personality. I trust him with the use of my body for his pleasure and, occasionally, for his whims.

We're coming up on our 100 day mark, a date that seemed impossibly far away when we first negotiated our verbal contract (more on that later). And I want to continue. Not only because of what happens behind closed doors, but also because of the level on which we communicate.

I've also been informed that he's going to "step it up a notch", that I can expect to be pushed a bit faster and harder in the coming days. This notion causes some anxiety in me as I sometimes doubt my strength as a submissive, still being rather new to this lifestyle. But ultimately I trust him to know my breaking point, to know just how far to push me over that fluctuating line between "more than enough" and "too much".

If not, I always have my safe word. Perhaps someday I'll actually use it.


(Artwork by Kami Tora.)