November 9, 2010

Accountability and forgiveness

I have not posted in a few days and I find myself doing things I shouldn't and saying things that I will later regret. I've purposely distanced myself from all of this so as to deny that there will be repercussions to my actions.

I don't crave his negative attention; I don't set out to be naughty. But there is, within this responsible and conscientious woman, a bit of a she-devil, a darker force who is desperate to be noticed and overcome by someone both astute and caring enough to recognize her.

It's not that I want someone else dictating to me things I should or should not do -- micro-management has always supremely annoyed me in any setting -- as I am quite capable of making the best decisions for myself. Being capable to make those decisions, however, has very little to do with following through on the best course of action.

When I feel myself spiraling into this decadent and destructive behavior, I want someone to step in and mediate the two sides of myself. I need someone to recognize, lovingly, that the path that I'm on is not in my best interest, a recognition that is carried out in both words and actions.

He is the only person I allow to make unfettered judgments on my behavior. He is the only person I trust enough to help guide me when I am so mired with indignation and denial. He is my voice of reason when my own, typically rational reasoning has lost its calming voice.

With my confession laid bare, denials stripped until there is only truth, with both hands in his, I feel safely cornered within the confines of his words; I am a captive audience and finally able to see myself clearly through his eyes which only convey the best intentions and deepest awareness of all the parts of me, she-devil and angel both.

He knows what I need. When he is finished talking, he has forgiven me. I have not yet forgiven myself.

While I am ultimately accountable for my actions, his is the only accountability that has ramifications beyond my own internal guilt. My guilt is a powerful, all-consuming beast and he tames it with his forgiveness. I ask for one more gift that will finally allow me to forgive myself.

I ask him to spank me, to cleanse me. I don't say that word, cleanse, but it is there and he knows it's what I need. Instead I say "I'm sorry" and "please forgive me" as my shaking fingers find the button on my pants and I slowly push them past my hips, scarcely able to look in his eyes, ashamed that it has come to this.

It has come to this. I want this even though there is no pleasure in it. To feel his strong hands upon me, cleansing me in the rain of his strokes, his words serving as antibiotics to the raging shame within, it is what I need, what we both need to be right again.


  1. No jokes today -- this sounds serious. I hope you get your cleansing soon. I know you will feel relieved, blissed and loved, and your world will be centered once again. Lucky girl, not just because you have someone who cares about you, but that you care enough about yourself to know what you need and go for it.

  2. There's a name used to describe this behavior, which is Both Reasonable and Terrible, or B.R.a.T.

    I believe I'm allergic to BRaT behavior, as it always leaves an itch in the palm of my hand. Fortunately, what satisfies my itch is also good for treating a BRaT.

    Come here, now. It's time for a dbl dose of my medicine. I'll have you back in the Pink in no time.

  3. Awww.

    Erica said pretty much exactly what I was going to say, so just take what she said and double it from me :)

  4. *Hugs* I think we all go through this sweetie. Sometimes we need our Dom's to gives us that "cleansing"..and help us make things better. I always know when I start feeling really out of sorts that it is time to say I am sorry and lay over Daddy's knees.

    *Big hugs* xo
    baby girl cricket

  5. Sounds as if someone is in need of a "good spanking!" xoxo!

  6. Having someone you're so in-tune with, who you can trust to judge and punish you is a wonderful thing. It's self-discipline, but with a sweet surrender. XO

  7. This really resonated with me. I am fortunate enough to have developed a relationship where I am exploring this very dynamic. It helps me a lot.... even as I hate it while it's happening, it clears the guilt, clears my mind and sets me back on my path.

  8. Erica, I am so lucky. And now that I know what I need, I can't imagine settling for anything less.

    D, I can always count on you to lighten the mood. ;)

    Viola, thank you and that's definitely a double dose I will gladly take.

    Thanks for the hugs, cricket. Among all of the things Doms are good at, sorting their girls out ranks among the top of the list. (At least it's a sign of a good Dom.)

    Veronica, it is certain. And this weekend is coming fast!

    Brett, that is a beautiful thing to say and a wonderful way of looking at it. Thank you. :)

    Laura, thanks for visiting and commenting on my blog! It means a lot to me when my posts resonate with just one person. Thank you for telling me that.

    Kirsten, you're so cute when you curtsey like that.

  9. You are so lovely. Glad I've found your blog, Pink.



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